Wednesday, July 05, 2006

 

I faked my death!

Howdy, partners!

First and foremost, I just want to Lay forth this caveat: I ain't much known as a blogger, so I may not be all that skilled with this at first. As you probably know, I'm more of a businessman, a big Texas dog in the energy game. And you probably are aware that I was the Chairman and CEO of Enron, and that I allegedly oversaw the biggest, most egregious incident of corporate abuse and accounting fraud in American history, supposedly costing thousands of innocent employees and honest investors billions of dollars after my company filed for a Texas-sized bankruptcy in 2001.

As I (and many others, the silent majority) have continuously claimed, I am innocent. The convictions handed down against me were ludicrous.

While I have been awaiting sentencing, I have consulted my powerful personal friends and spiritual advisor, and they have assured me that there is only one way for me to find justice...

Would there be justice in submitting to life in jail, to serve my time and pay my so-called debt to society that way? Unless getting made love to via non-consensual sodomy day after day until dying a lonely death in a dark cell is considered paying a debt, I ain't gonna do it.

What about committing suicide? A lot of y'all are sayin' that's what I did, took some drugs to induce a lethal heart attack. Hell no! The big fella' upstairs might have the same bull-dookie information the judge, jurors, and media had down here on Earth! He might send me straight to H-E-double-hockey-sticks if I die now! I ain't gonna spend an eternity in Hades getting tortured and molested by liberals, communists, and poor vagabonds who want to take out their misfortunes on me. I was a poor boy, and I worked my ass off to create the wealth and happiness I eventually enjoyed. I ain't goin' to hell until I can prove my innocence to Jesus.

Therefore, I did what any justice-loving industrious American would do: I faked my death, changed my identity, and moved far, far away!

As the reports circulate about my death today, I am already at an undisclosed location on another part of our planet (some of my powerful friends are good at securing such locations). I have already taken out hundreds of thousands of dollars from the Swiss bank accounts made up of my fortune that cannot be touched by pesky litigation.

So, rest assured: Kenny Boy lives! And I promise you that I am and will continue to live well. In my free time, I will continue to post on here to tell you about my mission to prove my innocence. When I finally secure the evidence to do so, I will (much like Jesus) return.

Lastly, a quick shout-out to my friends who helped me out of that minor jam I was in (I am using affectionate nicknames to protect their identity for now): 41, 43, and Chainy. You're the best buddies this cowboy could ever ask for!


Comments:
from the moment the news broke, i've been saying it was suicide...suicide (heart attack induced by prescription drugs?) or fake death are more likely than the bulllshit in the media
 
Yes, there's always a secret story. Nothing is ever as it seems.

Gibbering moonbats.
 
fight the power ken... your neocon friends left you for dead in the halls of justice.
look, above, it's Layman
 
You only have to wait seven years for the statute of limitations to blow, Ken. By that time me and eight of my best friends will be around to make sure nothing more bad happens to you at all.
 
It IS a cover-up. He died in a high-speed dildo accident. There was no heart attack. The truth will come out!
 
You villain. [eats off face]
 
This is hilarous, the bastard is already visiting one of his offshore accounts in the Cayman Islands, and then he will establish residency in Cuba, in retaliation for all his neocon friends turning their backs on him.
 
The abundance of televised imbecilities is probably one of the reasons for the American working class’s inability to develop any political consciousness.

--Guy DeBord, 1957
 
Ken, you still owe me $20!
 
Weren't you going hunting with Dick yesterday?
 
Ken, remember you promised me a job as CFO at your next firm...Please don't forget what I've already done for you (nudge,nudge...wink,wink)
 
You better get some plastic surgery because anyone will be able to recognize that monkey face you have.
 
Hey Ken,

You're a fucking asshole!

Sincerely,
Jesus
 
Say Hi to Zarqawi for me!
 
Keep in touch, Ken!
 
So, Osama made a little bit of room for you in Dick's spider hole, eh?
 
hehe. yawn. hehe. good stuff.
 
Save me me a place at the table, big guy. I think I'm going to need it fairly soon.
 
I saw Ken with Elvis at the 7-11 today.
 
How could those damn liberals expect the Lays to exist on a mere $76,000. a month from their annuities? Or the additional 30 million stashed off shore?
Shame! Shame! The whole mess must be Bill Clinton's fault!
 
Oh. My. God. He's being cremated.
 
You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can't fool....oh hell...he fooled us!

Hope there is strychnine in your guacamole...
 
Ken, you sly dog, you!
 
You sly dog, you!
 
Make sure you packed enough food for that harsh Iraqi winter. You and Osama are going to get rather cold in that spider hole, don't you think?
 
Your mother must be awfully ashamed of you. And have you seen Olivia Newton-John's boyfriend yet?
 
Ken, Prove your alive still and do something good like build a new school in Houston, MO.
 
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